A New Journey

Hey! Long time no speaks! I hope all of you are well. I still continued to write, just on my journals. But I am officially back! And I have a lot of my thoughts to share with you all. 

Today: Dating

Song That I am Currently Listening to: Talk to Me - Stevie Nicks

So, the longest relationship I ever had ended not long ago, although from the beginning I questioned our relationship. In 2015 I wrote a poem called "Blur" it was about him. 

(You can find it on my wed page here)

Our relationship had our ups and downs like any other, but it became more downs, and downs. I became unhappy. I didn't hang out with my friends and I became alienating myself. It didn't help that he did not have many friends and he felt all my friends hated him. So, with my job I would come home and want to get dressed up and go out and most of the times it was like pulling teeth. I wanted us to get involved with some volunteer programs, only tried one time and he was not excited to go. And it killed the fun, especially because it was at the children's hospital. I paid for 90% of our dates because he did not have a job. I left him 3 years ago and, in that time, I was dating and I met a guy from Amsterdam, we dated a bit but after a few months I decided to give him another chance. He went to school, and became an EMT and was on his way to becoming a firefighter. All was beautiful for 3 months, after that it started to tank again. 

(Song That I am Currently Listening to Iris- Goo Goo Dolls)

He did not pass fire academy the first time, nor the second time. And what I forgot to mention was that during our relationship I found out he was addicted to drugs. That was one of the reasons I had left him 2016. He was clean when I decided to get back with him. But after not making it though fire academy he had relapsed. We went to NA meetings, and it was genuinely hard for me. I was so sad; He was battling though depression and then I got into that spiral. I never expected me to deal with it, and when you are in, it's is not easy to admit. Especially for me that I try to uplift those around me. But I had no wings to fly with anymore. Overtime I lost parts of my feathers; it wasn't a nourishing relationship. 

And I am sure you all are wondering well why the hell didn't you leave him??

Truth is I tried so many times, but he still lives with his parents and he will be 33 this year. His mother would say you know just talk things out. And He would beg me not to leave. And part of me felt guilty if I left him knowing he was trying to better his life. And at times I felt I was the bad guy.

As you know I do not have parents to turn to or guide me, I have friends, but I would always tell them, you don't get it.  It's complicated. He is a really nice guy, He never minded my job, he trusted me and I trusted him.

(Song That I am Currently Listening Que Lloro - Sin Bandera)

He really really loved me. I mean if someone were to say you need to walk 20 miles to get to Victoria, he would say where do I start. And I have never met anyone who I can say that about as far as a relationship is concerned. I felt loved and appreciated. He would love me when I was 20 pounds heavier or 20 pounds lighter. I have always been self-conscious of my body naked. I feel vulnerable and judged if I am being frank. Your body and your soul are all in one. And I did not feel ugly even on those ugly days, with pimples or just tired. He looked at me as if I was a princess. And that made me feel special. Our eyes can say so much, and he had beautiful green eyes. The way he looked at me never changed, but the way I looked at him did. I felt it and I know he could see it... The light that I once saw was dying, this time more rapidly because I knew that things would not change. That we are too different, I am ambitious and he is more complacent. 

But you love them?

I learned that Love is far more than an expression, it is also an act, an act of love. That love is far more than 20 miles, that love is far more than appreciating their company. That in love Its a million things but most importantly happiness. I was missing that happiness. I wasn't feeling like a woman should and I felt he took me for granted. That made me feel alone and confused, so many conflicting emotions. Because despite it all I wanted him to have a job, have his own place and find happiness within himself. I never asked him to buy me anything, only to do something in life. I thought when you love someone you work it out, through better or worse, and sickness and in health. And through all of this I never took a look at my life, no one did. I was so focused on him and trying to cheer him up, help him with a job or simply caring so much about him that I did not say what about my happiness? How about how I feel? I realize that I am looking to protect him and his feelings that I started to forget about me, about what matters to me.

(Song That I am Currently Listening to Es Por Ti - Juanes)

So, I took a step back. 

I thought this isn't fair, this manipulation, always making me feel that I am the bad guy if I wanted to leave. That I wasn't being supportive enough. That I was being unreasonable that anytime we had an argument "leave, that's what you like to do." And then he would apologize and said that we were in a heat of an argument to please forgive him, and he would cry and I felt horrible. But a few months ago, I said "No Mas!"

I love you but f*ck this. Like this isn't working, I am not happy we do not go anywhere. I am tired of paying for you. I have always had to work for everything I have had, I want someone to take care of me for a change. I would invite him to Paris, to Venice, London you name it and he would not want to go. So, I was jealous of the other flight attendants that travel the world and hike the most beautiful mountains or swim crystal blue waters with their boyfriends, but there I was alone. It started to get boring but I stayed and God knows I tried. Especially almost 4 years together, I felt I had already invested so much time I should see if there is hope. But there was nothing left.

There was so much I wanted to do, but I was so focused on us and him, and his drugs, or unemployment that I did not focus on me. I stopped writing here among other things, I forgot about me. And I know that is another reason I was sad, because I had lost inspiration in what I loved. And I could have ended it a long time ago but I didn't. But when I finally did, I felt a weight off my shoulders and I just wanted to do all these things I had put off for so long. Traveling, Music and even poetry and I am finally happy.

Moral of the Story: Seasons Change

(Song That I am Currently Closing Time -Semisonic)

I read somewhere that some people will come into your life for a season, and some will come for a lifetime. And you must be careful to not mix seasonal people with lifetime expectations. And I suppose that is what him and I were; a seasonal love. Although I know I will care for him for a long time. He was never a bad person, but we were just not for each other. And sometimes being used to someone can be dangerous. I love waking up to a good morning text and he always did that. But that can't be the reason I stay. Or because you are afraid to date or because you do not want to be lonely. I say all of this because I know there is a lot of men and a lot of woman that are in this situation. You stay because of the sweet things they do, the way they look at you and maybe how they make you feel. But happiness is just as important as love, especially self-happiness. And together do the things that make you happy, make sure you are with someone that brings out the best version of you, not the worst. The moment you feel that you are not laughing as much, not as happy, not as excited or not the best version of you WALK AWAY. Especially the moment you are so worried about them and protecting their emotions, that you forget to care for yours. 

F*CK THAT!

I beg all of you, do not do it, time is very valuable. Don't stay when you know there is no future and no hope. Love is more than the sweet things they do for you. And do not stay thinking someone will change. People are who they are. They may change things that they do and how they do them. But as far as who they are that's embedded in their DNA. Major life changes can change someone but who knows what that change will be and at what cost? If you do not like to gamble, I got news for you, you just did. And your gambling your future...

Seasons change, feelings change. 

Admitting its over is hard, saying good bye is hard. 

But it’s the bridge you have to cross to get to the other side. So, let’s go!

"You need to walk 20 miles to get to your happiness."

-Where do I start?

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